i lost a whole year…
More and more, I’ve been offering the answer without being asked the question: “Barney’s going to be 13 this June”. I offer it up as I notice people eyeing his entirely white snout and before they explain that he’s “doing/looking great for his age”. I say it as a way to convince myself that I’m okay with these being his “best days”, with being on “borrowed time”, with the signs of ageing and tiredness that I’ve been picking up on lately, as I lean in and whisper “I don’t ever want you to go, sweet gentle giant, but I want you to know mama is ok. If you have to, mama is going to be ok”. I say that, and while I mean it, me pretending to be strong doesn’t fool his superpowers.
Fast forward to a vet appointment we had this week - “he’s doing great for his age” (thanks doc), “but I wouldn’t recommend any surgeries for x, y, or z for a big dog who is almost 14”.
14? I’m confused. I start to do the math as she reminds me of what they have on file for his "suspected” birthday and in that instant, a whole year of Barney has been taken from me. She’s right. I have just gotten it wrong this past year or so. That realization, sucked.
From their Buddhist practice, my parents’ take on death is to not fear it. We have (and have had) very open conversations around death, reincarnation. How to be at peace with it. They both definitely walk the walk and I’ve witnessed them experience difficult losses over the past year with grace and absolute beauty. Welp. I’m nowhere near that. I witness grief in others and crumble myself. I watch myself struggle watching my parents age, and the little time we have in the grand scheme of life. So my homework has been to feel and let feel (over and over again). It’s also been about ultimate presence when I visit, Facetime, chat. And, like many times before, it’s letting my parents be in the role of teacher, and learning in real time, as we live a shared experience.
So I’m writing this on Barney’s suspected 14th birthday, two weeks shy of his 8th gotcha day. Proverbially losing a year, I’m determined to play a bigger role in giving him his best days, through presence and all the unconditional love. Those are two things he gifts me each and every day, even when I’m too tired or busy to notice. He deserves that (and all the treats) back tenfold on his birthday and all the special days we have left.