cool and collected ish
I watch a mom and dad, with their toddler sitting at the table next to me at the coffee shop. Mom is exasperated - at child or hubby, I can’t quite tell (both, though, I suspect). Kiddo is running around grabbing food and trinkets off the shelf. Dad is on his phone eating, not noticing that kiddo is not at the table. Mom is now chasing after kiddo, making sure he doesn’t run into the parking lot when the door opens. Mom’s breakfast is getting cold. When mom and kiddo are sitting at the table again, I feel mom’s reaction to the core. Here. Take my phone. Watch something. Sit please. Just. Give. Me. A. Moment. (All while glaring at dad).
I take a deep exhale for her.
I happen to be there, childless. I got support for 2 hours of very needed catch up time. But I realize it’s more than that. It is time to drink my coffee hot. It is time to fuel other parts of myself that are not mother. It is time for me to be a better mama to Sebi when he joins me at this coffee shop any minute now.
And when he does, he is now the one running around grabbing food and trinkets off the shelf. Then he spills water all over himself. And because that wasn’t enough, he pees himself. The rest of the morning continues with a full blowout at the park (poop, not tantrum), resulting in him, fully naked in the bathroom stall at the park, wearing a borrowed size 3 baby’s diaper since we’re out of underwear and clothes, and wearing my oversized-to-me-jacket out of a gag-inducing bathroom stall that I now have to try to clean without throwing up.
Somehow though, it was a fine morning. It was perfectly imperfect, comical, exactly what I’d expect with a toddler. He even liked wearing my jacket (“SEBI A BURRITO”) as we left the park. When we get home, we decide that the turn of events in the morning means “all rules are off”. We make a little nap fort on the couch, turn on a movie, and rest together. I am at peace. Sebi feels my calm. Barney, oblivious to the pee and poop incidents, is both at peace and calm, sleeping with us on our couch-nap-fort.
In these moments, it gets re-affirmed that I have a VERY deep need for solo time. Without my introspective time, I cannot be the mama I want to be for Sebi. I don’t want to be nagging, reactive, impatient Alice, especially to a little one who is learning to self-regulate big feelings for the first time in his life. So this is not just luxurious or an option, it is a need.
As I’m writing this, I’m sitting at the Apple Store (near tears, as we try to piece back together lost data - impermanence Alice, im. per. ma. nence.) but I realize, hey, this is solo time. So, I’m letting myself deepen my breath. I am going to turn this time into my introspective time. And go home, better-version-of-Alice me, to my little family.