discomfort

Discomfort for me has mostly always lived in the unsaid or the said too loud. In the unfelt or the felt too strongly. In all of the edges of the extremes.

I tend to live in the in the “in between” where it’s comfortable and it’s not exactly natural to move into either ends of the spectrum. The in between feels safer, and it is certainly an easier place to blend in and not stand out. The middle 80% - not right at the top and not right at the bottom - that’s where I’ve resided most of my life.

However, things have shifted since becoming a mother. Which coincided with an at-the-forefront-divisiveness in the world that is ethical, not political. And all of that bubbling up and over, and people speaking out, and taking action, made me realize it’s time. It’s late. But it’s time. For the world, certainly. And for me.

It reminds me of healing sessions that I’ve had where the stuff stirred up was at those 10% edges. And the discomfort I felt in those moments, the foreignness of those feelings, made me quit further healing. At the time, I had even blamed the circumstance or the practitioner. *Accepts full responsibility*. Now I am ready to dive into that healing. And to speaking truths that I haven’t before. I know it will be uncomfortable, but just like in savasana, it’s on the other side of the discomfort that the profound shifts happen.

I am not a seeker of the edges, they’re not my natural place to be. But injustices make my insides boil and I now look at how I can take action. The unsaid weighs heavily on me, until I can find the way, the how, the courage to make it a “said”. I have found that I cannot hide bubbling up, nor do I want to. I know that in order for this to be in my world safely, I need to work on the tools to refine the relationship between the felt and the words. That I need to trust in the depth of my relationships. And, most importantly, that I trust myself on a much deeper level to keep flexing the muscles of change.