diamonds, spider webs and relationships
It is said that diamonds (an allotrope of carbon) is the hardest natural substance found on earth. Silicone carbide, certain spider webs (pretty cool) and other natural world top the list, but the scientists didn’t include relationships so I wonder if their study is actually accurate.
I don’t think I’ve appreciated the complexity of relationships quite as much as I have in the young parent stage of life. I know I’m not the only one in this season of life, but it has really re-introduced me to myself and to the relationships of my past, present and future.
The relationship with myself has shifted significantly. It has taken my 43 years to really have grace and compassion towards myself. And yet the voices of doubt and self-esteem sabotage also unwelcomingly sneak themselves in, as they always have, and maybe always will. A blunter (yet, still kind, I hope) sense of self has moved in, helping me break out of people pleasing mode and caring less what people think. I am, more than ever, in tune with my non-negotiables, and yet, often forget to carve out what I need when tending to others needs. Ironic, given that one of my non negotiables is needing space daily to tend to my needs (mainly of ritual, introspection and releasing energy that’s not mine).
Marriage. I’m not the expert and I’m not gonna shock anyone with this revelation. It’s not easy. We started to notice fissures (nothing major but fissures nonetheless) when we becme parents. Lack of sleep, lack of connection - sure, but also a beautiful way to have you show up to do the work, so the fissures don't become cracks or sinkholes with irreversible damage. So we do the work - it's got its fair share of ego, impatience and imperfection AND it also has a lot of sweetness, deep care, and wanting to really do better as we learn about each others changing needs.
Being a parent. Honestly, this one is one that has been the least challenging (even though it’s hella challenging) because of the innocence of a young child, whose intents are pure, even when they confront you in ways you never knew confrontation. And that confrontation has nothing to do with them - it is the mirror back into yourself, the reflection, the reparenting, the wanting to do better, be better, that is the biggest test. This relationship has also been the best teacher in co-regulation and mirror neurons. Amongst all the other things.
For me, there hasn’t been a lot of family relationship changes or healing needed, though I appreciate that in many people’s cases, this is another major learning curve. My biggest realization - time passes swiftly, and having Sebi build his own memories and help create theirs in the family tree is priceless. I am holding on to this very close to my heart.
Lastly, I did not realize the extent to which this time of my life could have me resolve, heal, forgive fissures from the past that still latch on. What a softening and freedom there has been in that and perhaps I’ll share more on this as I continue to learn more about how this shapes the new cells and pathways forming in my body and mind moving forward.
A long roundabout way to say - it’s a messy yet worth it time, especially if you’re into self-discovery. And love is a choice you make, each and every moment of your life.