a love letter to myself

Dear past Alice,

I am proud of who you were then. I’m sorry if I never told you that. I’m sorry I thought that losing 80 lbs would solve whatever you were running away from. I’m sorry I never let you appreciate yourself in the moment, and I’m sorry that I still sometimes don’t appreciate myself in the moment to this day, though it is something I work on daily, and I think you would be proud.

I want you to know though that all of your sweat and tears I wear proudly as a badge of our character. While I’ve learned and grown a lot over the years, I am still the same you at my core, even if society treats me differently. Thank you for being one of my best teachers, and for trusting that I would get to the point of honoring you.

Did you know that our legs that you were never that fond of, have run 13 marathons, 82 half marathons, and have run/cycled/swam thousands of miles? I think you’d love them now. 

Did you know that the abdomen you were always self-conscious of grew and expanded to house little Sebi? I think of our stretch marks as more than battle scars now. 

Did you know that a practice of self-love and self-compassion no longer feels forced and that I’m experiencing freedom? I hope you feel this freedom too.

Thank you for being courageous when you were scared, dedicated when you wanted to give up, and for stepping up when you wanted to hide. 

We still have work to do, but we don’t hide anymore. 

xo, A